Category: Uncategorized

Woke up super early, 4am, and did a bunch of work. Then, i had to give my cat, Woo Woos, away.

I was sad because i love that guy and he helped me through a lot of sad times. Unfortunately, i had no choice but to rehome him. Enter Miguel, a guy who works as a social worker helping abused people.

My cat is not easy. He’s violent and hard to get along with. Miguel didn’t see this as a problem, but as an opportunity. I could not have asked for a better adopter. Someone filled with empathy.

But, this is not reading or writing related news, but still important. But what writing news i do have is huge. Tomorrow i start an intensive, six month mentorship with one of the greatest writers living, Kris Rusch. To say that i’ll finally get some daily words in is an understatement. Super excited and it should be life changing.

More soon.

For months i have been suffering from bed rot. My lethargy is at another level. I work for a specialty pharmacy from home which is a Godsend. I can whip up emails when i get a moment’s wind and can do my job effectively. So the good news is, i am blessed with a job that allows me to work at my own pace. And Lord knows i need it.

What i need is less on my plate. I think we are all overwhelmed right now. Adding a daily chore of making a daily blog post might not make the most sense. But i still think it does.

My word count for yesterday? Zero. I did not have a good Sunday. Today will probably be the same. Is adding this daily blog post a bad idea since, it will, at times, take away from my actual fiction writing?

Maybe, but it gives me something i also need: more structure. What’s silly is, like i said earlier, i am so overwhelmed with life, i can use any of those aspects as ways of finding structure. No need to add another thing. However, i need to create blog posts and videos anyway, so i’m not really adding anything, just adding structure to something i already need to do.

Maybe shaming myself publicly about my lack of enthusiasm for daily life is what i need to do. Not insofar as i’m beating myself up publicly (although i am) but as to better reflect on where i’m at and what i’m doing to myself.

The only out i will give myself is that today is Martin Luther King Day. A holiday. So i shall give myself a kindness in that respect.

Tomorrow i donate my cat, much my own heartbreak and then i start in something exciting on Wednesday.

More on that tomorrow.

Remember, just getting by isn’t a failure, it’s a success. Especially in today’s Trumpian dark times.

“Go big or go home” usually leads us to going home. That’s the rub that no one talks about when they bring up that quote or its equivalent. Lofty goals can be, well, lofty.

I went to church this morning and was gonna post my third video there after mass. But i was too tired. Now that i’m home, i’ve been laying in bed, not able to do a thing. No way the video was being made today.

But then i remembered, the goal is to make a blog post everyday. I remember when Dean posted something like, “Here’s my daily blog post so i don’t ruin my streak. Bad day. Talk tomorrow.” Something like that. Probably not as long! His goal, that i now share, is writing a blog post each day.

Did i want a video for the first straight seven days? Sure. But do i have the energy? No. Is that a reason not to post? Heck no.

I also know that i will have those, Here’s-my-post-so-i-don’t-break-my-streak, posts. That’s fine. But i want every post to matter. So here’s some guidelines i want for my attempt at posting everyday to have.

Make it about reading or writing…or both. I’m a writer…and a reader. This weblog should focus on my craft. Even this post, about accountability is about writing and the need to be consistent.

I will share the previous day’s word count and try to update folks on what i’m reading. Yesterday i wrote 0 words. I want you to read a different number mañana. Accountability is huge, particularly for me. So i like this idea.

A small story i’d like to share is, for the sake of my mental wellbeing, i’ve taken a huge step back off of being on social media. It’s had a cool, second blessing i didn’t even consider.

Like yesterday, my buddy Dan who’s a huge YouTuber, knows that i have a crack addiction to a form of crack cocaine called Formula One. He’s done some cool stuff that he shared on TikTok (a social media platform i rarely visit) re: some of his partnerships with F1. He didn’t send me some lame DM. He texted me, like a real friend. This is the second or third time this has happened.

Since people are on social media, it gives folks a false sense that they are staying connected with their friends. The irony is that, of course it’s not. So my buddy sent me some amazing pictures and videos i wouldn’t have received otherwise. My taking a break from social media has made me have stronger connections with friends and family. I received vacation texts from a friend a little over a month ago. She knows i don’t look at Instagram Stories anymore and wanted to share her adventures with me. That was awesome! Just like Dan’s texts from yesterday, getting off of social media is slightly returning things to the way they used to be. A very happy accident.

Okay. Gonna goof off now. I could lie and say that i’m going to work on those words i promised you tomorrow but like i just said, that would be a lie.

Hopefully, i’ll feel better in an hour or four 🙂

See you tomorrow! The streak continues!

Welp, as you can see by my inconsistent posting is because i have not been consistent with my writing. As of this writing i am at 13,595 new words. Kris is at… (Tony checks his email) Egads! 35,994 words. Safe to say i will not be catching up or staying with her which is fine.

The things that stopped me were and are:

1. “Celebrating.” While i finished a super-cool story because of this challenge and also had another half-finished story in the wings, i thought, “No prob. Not keeping up with Kris. Why not take a day off?” Big mistake. All momentum went fart sound.
2. “Project Block.” As you well know, there is no such thing as writer’s block but Project Block. Since i’m writing into the dark these days ala Stephen King (e.g. no outline) i tend to freeze in fear. Just ’cause i’ve published a few books doesn’t mean the O.G. of original fears don’t come up: I Don’t Know What To Write! Of course the answer is easy. Write the next sentence. And the next. Easy to say, hard to do.
3. “Work/Health.” Not sure if it’s because i took two different vaccines over two weeks or what, but i fell into a depressive funk last week. Work was actually great! I don’t like getting hit with a stick and work has been very nice with my lack of energy and my sensitivity towards being unappreciated. It had nothing to do with that. I was just swamped with work. I was working or napping. That’s it.

So, this is where i was and am.

Also, i haven’t been sending my blog updates as emails ’cause these are not regular “marketing” emails but more like exaggerated social media posts. I’ma say screw it and just send these along with an email notice. If it’s too much, i figure you can just unsubscribe.

This week, the National Hemophilia Foundation is having their annual meeting in Dallas Texas. This wonderful meeting is America’s premier bleeding disorder yearly reunion. And it got me thinking about two themes that I have been told nearly all my life as a person living with hemophilia. Those two things are, one, that people with hemophilia are not handicapped or disabled and that, two, people with hemophilia are an inspiration to others. Both are, mostly, false. I say mostly because, the advancements in hemophilia have left the younger generation free from major joint damage. But besides that, many of us are disabled and handicap and all of us are no one to look up to.

Looking at the first distinction, the handicapped or disabled label, people are quick to say that we are not. While we can all agree that being disabled or handicapped is not a goal or something anyone should aspire to, for those of us that do have mobility issues, we should not feel shamed or feel less than the next person just because we have mobility issues.

It took me a long time to realize that and I still fall into the trap every once in a while. It took me forever to get a handicap license plate. Why? Because I was too proud. Because being disabled was “bad.” Well, I am handicapped. I am disabled. I am a cripple. And you know what? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. It just is what it is.

On the other side, the bleeding disorder community also promotes a culture of victim hood, as if our pains and troubles make us someone to look up to. It’s a funny balance to hear too since, while people are trying to pass the first belief (you’re not handicapped / disabled) they also try to juggle the second which is, that we’re some type of heroes for what we are dealing with. Which of course, according to view one, is nothing.

These two beliefs have been propagated to our community from a place of well meaning. It makes people disabled with hemophilia deny their disability (making one not feel bad) while making us out as role models (so we can feel good about ourselves). While they mean well they, to me, do more harm then good.

It makes a person with hemophilia feel proud of having a bleeding disorder and there is no greater wrong on earth than pride.

This “you’re not disabled / you’re a hero” is actually creating people who are disabled and anti-heroes ironically enough by living a sedentary life without any goals. After all, why should anyone aspire to anything if they’re already perfect? Not only is nothing wrong with you, you’re also someone people should look up to.

I hear people trying to balance these two views with a myriad of excuses. It’s a delicate balancing act of bull feces that has been ingrained into our heads.

So what are we then?

For some they are disabled. For others, they are not. Regardless if you are or aren’t, that doesn’t make you bad. It just makes you either disabled or not. No biggie.

So then are we heroes? Heck to the no. First responders like police, fire, and paramedics, those people are heroes. People in the military, those people are heroes. We’re just people who walk funny and have owies.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, at the end, we are all the same. People who are physically more healthy than me can be more unhealthy in their emotional, financial, spiritual, or emotional health than me. The old saying that we all have our cross to bear is true. Just because someone might be at a disadvantage to the eyes, doesn’t mean that that person’s life isn’t easier than the so called “healthy one.”

When people mope and complain about their physical ills, they’re more times than not just looking for sympathy. Since everyone is battling their own demons of equal weight this person does get the empathy they want all though not in the form they want it. It comes off as pathetic.

So to all my blood brothers and sisters out there reading this, quit feeling bad for yourself and, more importantly, stop feeling proud of yourself. You haven’t done anything yet. And that’s a good thing.

That means that we still have a lot more to do with our lives.

That means there is so much more to life than just having hemophilia.

That means that we accept that we have our setback, sure, but so does everyone else. And that setback is nothing to be ashamed of.

That means that maybe one day we will be someone that people look up to through our own work, not to what just happened to happen to us.